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The Illuminati is a shadowy organization dedicated to the eradication of Christians and Christianity and the worship of Satan (who, it turns out, is a Space Alien). Most people who have heard of the Illuminati know that Adam Weishaupt founded the Order of the Illuminati in 1776. But much of the history of this fine evil conspiracy organization has been misunderstood and garbled. At the New World Order, we are dedicated to continuing the traditions of our member organizations, and as such, offer the real behind-the-scenes of the Illuminati.
COMMON KNOWLEDGE:
As any good conspiracy theorist worth his salt can yell you, the Illuminati was organized in the 1760s by Adam Weishaupt. He formally formed the organization on May 1, 1776, which is the real reason communists celebrate May Day. It is also widely known that the Illuminati was founded as part of the Freemasons but later branched off. The Illuminati, financed by the Jewish Bankers (mostly the Rothschilds), have started, organized, and financed every war in history since the French Revolution. The purpose of the Illuminati, of course, is to destroy Christianity and unite the entire planet under the rule of an evil tyranny (ruled by the wealthiest people on the planet) dedicated to the worship of Satan.
As any good conspiracy theorist worth his salt can yell you, the Illuminati was organized in the 1760s by Adam Weishaupt. He formally formed the organization on May 1, 1776, which is the real reason communists celebrate May Day. It is also widely known that the Illuminati was founded as part of the Freemasons but later branched off. The Illuminati, financed by the Jewish Bankers (mostly the Rothschilds), have started, organized, and financed every war in history since the French Revolution. The purpose of the Illuminati, of course, is to destroy Christianity and unite the entire planet under the rule of an evil tyranny (ruled by the wealthiest people on the planet) dedicated to the worship of Satan.
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The
Illuminati has worked in the background using several subsidiary
organizations: the communists, the fascists, the Nazis, the
Council on Foreign
Relations, the British Institute of International Affairs, the
Tri-Lateral Commission, the Democratic Party, and The New Kids on the
Block. They also control
most of the Federal
Reserve system, which is why the Illuminati corporate logo appears on
the American one dollar bill. In a stroke of genius, it was the
Illuminati who came up
with the idea of placing
bar codes in dollar bills. That way, agents of the New World Order
could tell how much money people had in their homes by merely driving by
with an
electronic scanner. Most
recently, the Illuminati have been hard at work within the United Nations, preparing for
the takeover of the planet.
THE LESSER KNOWN HISTORY:
The Illuminati was formed in 1776 by Adam Weishaupt, and it was formed by the Freemasons. In the late 1780s, however, the Illuminati was spun off in an attempt to lessen the debt burden of the Freemasons. The startup costs for this Satanic conspiracy were much higher than anticipated, leading to shareholder dissatisfaction. The Jewish Bankers bought half of the conspiracy’s stock, and by 1803 the conspiracy was a successful venture. The success of the French Revolution made the Illuminati the talk of the conspiracy industry, and it was in this atmosphere that several top executives of the Illuminati were able to leverage a surprise takeover, severing most ties with the Freemasons and relegating the Jewish Bankers to minority stockholder status. (Only the Rothschilds held any significant Illuminati stock.)
The Illuminati was formed in 1776 by Adam Weishaupt, and it was formed by the Freemasons. In the late 1780s, however, the Illuminati was spun off in an attempt to lessen the debt burden of the Freemasons. The startup costs for this Satanic conspiracy were much higher than anticipated, leading to shareholder dissatisfaction. The Jewish Bankers bought half of the conspiracy’s stock, and by 1803 the conspiracy was a successful venture. The success of the French Revolution made the Illuminati the talk of the conspiracy industry, and it was in this atmosphere that several top executives of the Illuminati were able to leverage a surprise takeover, severing most ties with the Freemasons and relegating the Jewish Bankers to minority stockholder status. (Only the Rothschilds held any significant Illuminati stock.)
The Jewish Bankers
regained control of the Illuminati in 1904 with a
stock-for-cash deal
valued at several billion dollars. The new parent conspiracy, known as
“The World Order,” stood as a giant in the evil
conspiracy theory
industry. Now virtually unchallenged, The World Order used the
Illuminati to create smaller conspiracy franchises: the communists, the
Nazis, and the Boy Scouts among them. The
Illuminati actually took
control of the conspiracy group that had founded it—the Freemasons —through manipulation of the stock market in 1929. Homosexuals joined the Illuminati in 1936.
All
went well until the end of World War II (organized by The World Order
as a way of devaluing its stock and throwing the resistance off the
trail of the Jewish Bankers).
Executives from the Black Hand Society
and the Daughters of the
American Revolution leveraged a takeover of the communists, and merged
them into a single organization: the United Nations. (This fact comes as
a surprise to many people, who
realize that the U.N.
was part of a communist plot; it is often overlooked that the
Communists’ parent organization did not know of this plan, or
that for many years
afterward, the Illuminati and the U.N. were bitter rivals.)
At
the same time, other rogue elements within the Illuminati—mostly
disenchanted Freemasons—left the organization to form their own
conspiracy group:
“Majestic Seven.” Majestic Seven largely concerned itself with military
and industrial conspiracies, and managed a friendly
merger with the
Military-Industrial Complex and the Cultural Elite. (As a result of this
merger, “Majestic Seven” was renamed “Majestic Twelve.”)
Shortly
after the formation of Majestic 12, the Illuminati learned that
Majestic had contacted the Space Aliens. When Majestic 12 and the
aliens formed an
alliance, the Illuminati infiltrated its rivals and learned something
that changed the immediate goals of the organization: the space aliens were led by none other than Satan, who the Illuminati had
been formed to worship!
This
new bit of knowledge spurred The World Order to begin a buildup so that
it could launch a hostile bid for Majestic 12. Majestic and the
Space Aliens caught wind
of this plot, and informed the United Nations.
Both the U.N. and the
Majestic-Alien alliance were too weak to hold out against a beefed-up
World Order, so in an act of desperation, the two conspiracy groups
merged.
It
was shortly after this merger that the United Nations and the Space
Aliens discovered that Superman was really a fictitious character, and
there were no
superheroes to thwart their diabolical plans. With this new information,
the U.N. proposed a merger with The World Order, and a new conspiracy
group was formed: The New World Order.
The
Illuminati has been a key player in the plans of the New World Order,
controlling our political division. Nearly all “elected” officials are
actually Illuminati
appointees, with only a few holdouts like (Jesse Helms and Newt
Gingrich) resisting us. With Satanic leaders like Billy Graham and Kenneth Copeland
in their arsenal, the Illuminati are poised
to place the New World
Order where we should be: in control of a communist, atheist, enslaved
Earth!
The New World Order is a coalition of many groups. (See COMPOSITION) We have banded together to ensure that the planet is under the control of a single authority.
In 1893, the Illuminati, Jewish Bankers, the Masons, and other secret conspiracy societies met at the annual Secret Conspiracy Societies convention in San Francisco to discuss tricks of the trade, exchange notes, drink a lot of beer, and find cheap hookers. In one particular session, “The Declining Power of Secret Organizations to Find Cheap Hookers,” a Mason delegate raised the idea of combining forces to pool data on where the best cheap hookers could be found. This delegate was shouted down, and eventually discovered dead in the back room of O.J. Simpson’s mansion, but his suggestion nevertheless planted the seed for ideas yet to come.
In 1904, the Jewish Bankers merged with the Illuminati in a stock-for-cash deal that left each entity as subsidiaries of a larger organization known as “The World Order.” This merger set off a firestorm of acquisitions among smaller secret societies, who were afraid that they would no longer be able to compete with the new larger, more powerful juggernaut. This furor caused The World Order to swallow up several smaller societies in an effort to keep its edge.
The end of World War II (which was actually engineered by the World Order as a way of throwing investigators off the trail of the Jewish Bankers) saw several events that would change the face of secret conspiracies. First, the Majestic Seven—an upstart conspiracy group started by former Illuminati executives—offered junior partnerships to the Industrial-Military Complex and the Cultural Elite, expanding its Board of Directors and becoming Majestic 12. At the same time, two new conspiratorial organizations emerged: the United Nations and the Space Aliens.
The United Nations resulted from the merger of several smaller societies (including the Communists, the Black Hand Society, and the Daughters of the American Revolution). Although new and still relatively weak, the U.N. began to position itself as a power broker with key connections throughout the world. This gave it considerable credibility with other conspiracy societies.
The Space Aliens (represented by the Greys) had actually been around for quite some time, and had been observing the situation on Earth for several centuries from their underground bases with the help of the Illuminati. Their goal was to formulate an invasion plan. However, the factional nature of Earth’s societies had made such plans strategically difficult to formulate, and they had been forced to contract with a smaller conspiracy group, the United States Government, in 1933. The arrangement became known to the U.N. by mistake. A crash landing in Roswell, New Mexico in the 1940s created a unique opportunity for the Aliens and Majestic 12 to combine forces. The Aliens agreed to provide technical support and intelligence in exchange for Majestic’s cooperation in obtaining biological specimens and access to terrestrial government agencies. Majestic’s affiliation with the Industrial-Military Complex made this an ideal partnership, and raised Majestic’s stature to that of a major player in the conspiracy industry.
Now threatened with the possibility of advanced technology from the Majestic-Alien cooperative and the well-established World Order, the U.N. began acquiring other secret conspiracy groups—the Trilateral Commission, the Committee on Foreign Relations, and the Book of the Month Club among them—in an effort to consolidate power. In response, the two remaining major players—the World Order and the Majestic-Alien alliance—merged. This gave the World Order control over most of the Eastern power structure and some significant U.S. holdings, while the United Nations controlled most Western conspiracy groups.
The relationship between the two forces became strained (and occasionally violent) until a key discovery was made. In 1953, a blue ribbon panel of experts, commissioned by the World Order with the assistance of the Space Aliens, discovered that no such planet as Krypton existed, and that Superman was, in reality, a fictional character. The repercussions of this discovery shook the very foundations of the conspiracy industry; it was possible for a large, evil conspiracy organization to take over the planet without risking a confrontation with a superhero who could foil the plan! This revelation led to discussions between the World Order and the United Nations, and in 1955 the two conspiracies merged as a monopolistic superpower dubbed “The New World Order.”
Now unopposed, the New World Order began to implement a plan to take over the planet. Using the media influence of the Jewish Bankers and the Cultural Elite, the New World Order began to break down racial barriers by creating and promoting the Civil Rights movement in the U.S. Efforts to reduce religious intolerance were also put into motion, and an international economy was established. The overall purpose of these operations was to create harmony, tolerance, and cooperation between different societal and cultural groups. This would make it easier for these groups to unite, and thus allow for a single governmental power structure.
The New World Order was thrown into disarray by President John F. Kennedy’s directive for America to land a man on the moon. Kennedy, brought to the presidency because of his ability to pick up babes, was notorious for his poor eyesight, and misread the speech crafted for him. Instead of “We choose to go to the moon,” Kennedy was supposed to say, “We eat our lunch at noon.” This gaffe created serious problems for the New World Order, since the Space Aliens had constructed a major base on the moon and any trip there would surely reveal its existence. To cover up the problem, the New World Order had Kennedy “assassinated” (Kennedy’s death was actually faked; he and roommate Elvis Presley are currently living in a condo in Burbank) and staged the moon landing of Apollo 11 on a soundstage in Arizona.
In 1992, the New World Order accelerated its plans by placing Bill Clinton in the Oval Office. Although George Bush had been a loyal member of the New World Order, Bill Clinton had all the properties evil conspiracy organizations love: he was an evil leftist womanizing smuggler pervert who liked to do drugs, have people murdered, and eat live kittens during Satanic virgin sacrifices. He was so good at these things, in fact, that even attempts by the New World Order to keep this information from crusaders of truth and justice like Rush Limbaugh, G. Gordon Liddy, Art Bell, and Chuck Harder failed. Nevertheless, Bill Clinton (and, more important, Hillary, who wields the real power in the White House) became president of the United States. From this position, he accomplished many of the goals of the New World Order such as allowing gays in the military, killing completely innocent people in Waco, and murdering his Commerce Secretary.
The 1995 bombing of the federal building in Oklahoma City, carefully engineered by the New World Order, backfired and nearly brought the organization down. Intended as a way of discrediting the only people who really knew about the organization’s plans—the militia movement—the blast instead brought the New World Order’s name to the forefront. Michigan Militia leader Norm Olsen even exposed the United Nations weather machine and its use against Midwest farmers to the U.S. Congress. The New World Order acted quickly, engineering Olsen’s ouster from the Michigan Militia and replacing the organization’s leadership with its own agents. This solution to the near disaster caused by Olsen’s insight garnered the New World Order an extra coup: the United Nations now controlled one of the most well-known anti-UN organizations in the United States!
In November, 2000, the New World Order, disappointed in Al Gore’s performance and willing to give the Bush Family another chance, arranged to have George the Second selected as president. The New World Order had slightly underestimated the popularity of Al Gore, and the Gore camp created such a spectacle that it was impossible to have our agents make him “disappear.” Acting quickly, we were able to send the Chinese in to make our instructions clear to the U.S. Supreme Court: Bush gets selected and everyone gets Backstreet Boys tickets; Gore gets elected, and everyone gets an anal probe. (Two members opted for the anal probe.)
Needless to say, we are very disappointed in Mr. Gore, and have already begun personality enhancement treatments. He will be back in 2004 with a much more cooperative attitude.
The New World Order continues to control most of the major activities of the world through back channels and special mind control devices. We look forward to a brighter day, when all humans are our slaves and everyone is a Chinese communist atheist homosexual alien abductee. That day is coming soon, and we will bring it to you.
We are the New World Order.
We own . . . everything.
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